As a blogger I share quite a lot of my life openly and I think it is only right that I am open and honest with my followers which is one of the reasons I'm writing this post. The other reasons are that I feel it may help me and will be a weight of my shoulders and also I'm really hoping it may help someone else to not feel so alone. I am quite nervous about posting this all so openly and it is something I have thought about for quite some time but I'm hoping it will only bring positivity and hope for others.
So Im going to share my story with depression and anxiety..
I guess I first began to realise something wasn't right in about Transition Year in school, for some reason I didn't feel like I belonged and found it very difficult to be comfortable in social situations, this was through no fault of anyone else, I had great friends but I always had myself feeling that I made no impression within my group of friends and felt like it would make no difference to anyone if I wasn't there. A lot of the time I found myself feeling down when I'd be lying in bed at night. I also had serious self confidence and body confidence issues which I still struggle with to this day. I remember going to the doctor at some stage during this time and counselling was suggested but I was too scared so I never went through with it.
My first really bad experience with my mental health was in my Leaving Certificate Year in school. It was just before the last semester during the Easter Holidays I found myself absolutely dreading the thought of going back to school and when the Monday morning came to make the return to school I completely freaked out, I broke into tears, I was panicking, I just couldn't face it. This cycle continued for my entire last semester of school, I wasn't sleeping and the thought of school made me freak out every time so I ended up not being able to go into school for the whole semester. Thankfully, my parents were very understanding during all of this and weren't mad about me going to school and they saw I needed help. I did visit my doctor through this period as it was so important to do something as my Leaving Cert. was just around the corner. It really did feel so good to get all of what was happening off my chest and I felt positive about getting better. I did my Leaving Cert and to my surprise I passed all my subjects and got the course I wanted in college. I had told one friend who I can't thank enough about how I was feeling and what was going on. Without her I don't know where I'd be.
I went off to college the following September and found it very difficult to settle. I cried almost every night, I wasn't happy and didn't enjoy my course and I decided to drop out of that course which I'm so glad I did. I took a year out and my mood varied. I did cry a lot of nights which I knew wasn't normal but I was still scared to talk openly about how I was feeling.
I am currently giving college another try and again I found the transition very difficult. I have noticed myself panicking and feeling faint while in college due to anxiety, I find a lot of social situations difficult as I get very nervous and shy when talking to people and I automatically presume people wont like me. I am surrounded by great people in college and I don't feel like such an outsider but I know I have work to do to make myself more comfortable in social situations.
Exam time in college was just before Christmas and this definitely was a low point for me, again there was lots and lots of crying behind closed doors and the panic set in, I find exams and studying so dreadful. My exams went terribly due to my mind melting down again. I visited my doctor again recently and counselling was again mentioned and instead of brushing the idea off, I finally am going to go.
I have had a lot of very low points during my battle with depression and anxiety but I am feeling positive about the coming year as I am finally accepting and sticking to getting help. I beg any of you reading this and feeling like you are in a similar situation to not be stubborn like me and go get help. I really do know how scary the thoughts of speaking to someone about how you are feeling can be but trust me you will not regret it. Please don't feel like you are alone because you definitely are not.
Also if you know someone who you think may be having a difficult time make sure your'e there for them and please be understanding.
Here's to a happier and more positive 2016! :)
Lots and lots of love,
Shóna xo
